candycornmassacre:

do you ever see a picture or smell something or even get a random feeling and suddenly something hits you something weird and nostalgic and you’re absolutely sure you associate this picture/smell/feeling/whatever it is with something in your memory, but you can’t remember what it is and you focus on it for a long time until the wavering memory passes and you’re disappointed as shit

(Source: filharmagic, via h4lif0rnia)

My life is going nowhere. I never thought that being peppy and eager and desperate to the point where it’s annoying would bring you places but alas it has for my friend. She convinced me to audition with her for a short film being produced by a few people in our school. I didn’t want to do it initially, but eventually she won me over and convinced me that it would be a good experience. Then she went on about how if she didn’t get in it would prove that she’s untalented and basically worthless. So, naturally this became my thought process as well. We auditioned. We both got callbacks that took place today. Several instances that weren’t my fault hindered my callback on top of my own struggles as an actor. She barely talked to me all day. She got the main role and I didn’t get one of the main parts (or any part at all to my knowlwdge). These statements seem stringed together and simple, but I can’t fully explain why I’m upset and what exactly she did, because I never did have a good way of translating my emotions into something comprehensible for others. I’m still working on that. Anyway, I’m hurt. Not because of the audition; these things happen. But I’m hurt because of how I know she’s behaving and how she will behave towards me because it’s just how she is. Both she and her mother are looking down on me and thinking/realizing that she’s better than me and I’m actually untalented and worthless. She’d never admit it thoughx but I know her well enough. She’ll rub it in my face and when I confront her about it, she’ll cry and make herself the victim. People know that I’ve auditioned too, and when they ask it’ll be incredibly uncomfortable for me to mutter the words “i didn’t get in” because people have this high expectation of me because they’ve seen what I can do and because people just expect me to be amazing at everything and never fail. And I have that way of thinking too because I don’t normally fail. I don’t want to feel any of this but I’d rather feel it now than in school this week. I think I’ll be good by Monday, hopefully. I just want to get out of here. When I go to L.A. to start my career things are going to be much harder probably because it’s even more about appearance over there. I’m black and I have short hair and small eyes and a big nose with bad skin and buck teeth and short eyelashes and cellulite in my legs and stretchmarks all over my bottom and a few on my thighs and my calves and I have 17 scars on my wrist and I have a sweating problem in my hands, feet, and underarm to the point where it drips and I can’t hold people’s hands or wear sandals in the spring/summer/fall and even when it’s cold I can’t wear long sleeves because I’ll get pit stains regardless, and I cant hold a lot of things properly and oh sure I’m skinny but I have no chest at all and I have humongous thighs, making my body disproportionate and I’m too dark and I HATE BEING BLACK IT’S SO UNFAIR THERE’S SO MANY PEOPLE THAT SEE ME AND IMMEDIATELY JUDGE ME AND MAKE ASSUMPTIONS AND DISLIKE ME AND WILL NEVER LIKE ME BECAUSE OF IT AND NO ONE CAN REALLY UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF THAT DISCRIMINATION UNLESS THEY’RE BLACK (and these days Muslims have it bad too) but just being black is enough to limit all the roles I can do because there certainly aren’t as many roles for blacks as there are for Hispanics and especially not in comparison to whites. And as for modeling, I’m skinny but not skinny enough and I’m tall but not tall enough. I’d have to lose somewhere around 10-15 pounds and grow at least 3 inches.
This is what I want to do with my life and it’s so hard. It’s so hard. And I thought I could do it. I never had any doubts until this week. I’ve always been afraid of people asking me what I want to do because I’m afraid they’ll laugh at how unlikely it is for anyone, let alone me specifically, to be successful at it and now I completely understand why they’d react that way: because they’re right. But i’ve already invested so much of my life in acting and I can’t do anything else. I dont want people discouraging me because acting is the only thing I can do, I dont know how to do anything else and I won’t do anything else. So I have to master my craft and develop into perfection or otherwise prepare myself for a lifetime of rejection and wasting a few years cleaning tables in new York for nothing because with a theatre degree and no career all i’ll be able to do is teach and I most likely won’t have friends because trying to break into the business is hard and you’re always bouncing around and never really in one place so if I end up a theatre teacher it’ll be right back where I started in my county, or even worse my hometown, and it’ll be like I wasted all that money and all that time just to end up at square one without friends and with the little fragment of a family I have and they were all counting on me to get them out of there and somewhere better. But I know deep down that if I see my life becoming the latter route as opposed to the first I’ll just end up killing myself because I refuse to live like that and always be thinking of how I failed and be miserable and desolate and a disappointment to myself and everyone. The only reason I don’t kill myself now is because I know there’s still a chance at doing the first route and it’s still possible as long as I try harder and have a little bit of luck.
It CAN be done. It’s just a matter of IF it will and WHEN. I’ll give myself till I’m 27 years old. If I hit that age and I’m deep into my second route, thatll be it. I’ll off myself then. The sad thing is that even if I do end up dying, I wouldn’t even be able to be a part if the 27 club because I’m not even successful or famous.
I don’t trust anyone. I’m on my own with this.

I wish I could say there’s no one like you
But, it’s more your wish than mine,
I can see your heart
Dripping down the cadaverous curvature of your bird-like arms,
I can see the molecules configuring themselves
Rapidly behind the carefully guarded palace of your mind,
I can see your body in its reluctance moving in calculated inches,
It makes me wonder who’s hurt you,
Or why you feel the need to leave a stain on the souls of each encountered body,
But, that is where the curiousity ends,
Nothing left to decipher,
Because, my friend, we are too alike
And with words unspoken, I know you as myself
I, who am too dull and too bold,
Too quiet and too flamboyant,
Too thoughtful, too impulsive,
Too morose and too filled with humor,
We spread our wings the same
Although we have different bruises,
I’ve seen this character invested in films, novels, and gut-wrenching songs,
Though none of them fill the role quite as well as we do
Yet,
You wish you could say there’s no one like me
But, that’s more my wish than yours

Easy to crave
Easy to give
But hardest to receive
And I need yours
More than this mind needs healing
More than this body needs touching
More than this hunger needs nourishing
Your attention
Fills me up
in ways you can’t
fathom